Setting Firmer Boundaries
Boundaries can be healthy, rigid, or lax. The nature of boundaries deeply depends on the culture in which you were raised.
Do you have a history of being too lax, and failing to set healthy boundaries? Perhaps it comes from a history of wanting to feel included in social settings, and doing whatever it took to achieve that (FOMO - Fear of Missing Out). Or, perhaps you hold a worldview that is very much grounded in free-flowing wonder and scientific inquiry, rather than concerns about the legal ramifications of spoken words that cannot be taken back. Or, maybe you were lucky enough to grow up in an environment that is altruistic and caring, instead of foreboding and manipulative, and the way you interact with others reflects that. Additionally, we all have obligations to those who are close to us. In Asian cultures particularly, if a friend has helped you with something in the past, you are expected to reciprocate a helpful task or a gift in some way to show your appreciation. It’s an unspoken expectation that can get kind of messy if it's not followed.
I struggle with boundaries and “saying no.”
I have been in leadership roles where others depend on me to get a certain job done, and I feel as if it’s necessary to prove a point to others and myself about my competence and reliability. When I was volunteering for a face painting event in the hot sun, I found myself accidentally skipping lunch because my team was short-staffed, and there were so many kids in line waiting for their turns. Later that evening, I discovered I had gotten badly sunburnt all over my neck and shoulders, a situation I could have easily avoided if I took a short break to reapply sunscreen. In college, I’d try to participate in many different organizations at once, and end up getting the cold or flu every semester because I wasn’t taking proper care of myself.
Being proactive and responsible aren’t bad qualities, but sometimes I pushed myself to the point of burning out and failing to take care of my immediate needs. In the grand scheme of things, this doesn't help myself, or the people I want to support. The metaphor I try to keep in mind is that of the airplane safety guideline: in the event of an emergency, passengers are directed to put on their own oxygen masks first before helping children. If I try to help someone put on their mask before putting on my own, I might fail and pass out on top of them, which makes it more likely that both of us will die. When I set personal boundaries that limit how much time and energy I want to volunteer towards a certain cause, I am significantly less likely to burn out.
I have also been in positions when an acquaintance asks me a question, and I feel obligated to give the factual answer instead of declining to respond, or responding curtly. Sometimes I provide more information than needed for the situation. For example, if someone asks me what happened after I missed a day of class, I may mention that I went to the hospital, even though I do not need to talk about my experience at all. If someone asks if I am going to a party and I am not, I often feel the need to justify or explain my decision, lest the person be confused or try to convince me otherwise. But that shouldn’t be the case. There are plenty of situations in which a simple "No," or "It's personal," will suffice. It’s okay to say, “Sorry, I’m not comfortable talking about this subject right now.”
Actually, try not to say “Sorry.” Try not to say “right now.” You should not have to apologize for withholding your personal information from other people who do not hold as big of a stake in your life as you do. You don’t have to promise someone that they will be entitled to your information at a later point in time either.
Upon doing some more reflection, I've organized a couple of tips that came in handy for those who struggle with lax boundaries:
Sources:
[1] Positive Psychology Program - Healthy Boundaries: The Why and How of Setting Them.
[2] The Muse - 3 Crucial Ways to Set Boundaries at Work.
[3] Celestine Chua, Personal Excellence - How to Say No.
Do you have a history of being too lax, and failing to set healthy boundaries? Perhaps it comes from a history of wanting to feel included in social settings, and doing whatever it took to achieve that (FOMO - Fear of Missing Out). Or, perhaps you hold a worldview that is very much grounded in free-flowing wonder and scientific inquiry, rather than concerns about the legal ramifications of spoken words that cannot be taken back. Or, maybe you were lucky enough to grow up in an environment that is altruistic and caring, instead of foreboding and manipulative, and the way you interact with others reflects that. Additionally, we all have obligations to those who are close to us. In Asian cultures particularly, if a friend has helped you with something in the past, you are expected to reciprocate a helpful task or a gift in some way to show your appreciation. It’s an unspoken expectation that can get kind of messy if it's not followed.
I struggle with boundaries and “saying no.”
I have been in leadership roles where others depend on me to get a certain job done, and I feel as if it’s necessary to prove a point to others and myself about my competence and reliability. When I was volunteering for a face painting event in the hot sun, I found myself accidentally skipping lunch because my team was short-staffed, and there were so many kids in line waiting for their turns. Later that evening, I discovered I had gotten badly sunburnt all over my neck and shoulders, a situation I could have easily avoided if I took a short break to reapply sunscreen. In college, I’d try to participate in many different organizations at once, and end up getting the cold or flu every semester because I wasn’t taking proper care of myself.
Being proactive and responsible aren’t bad qualities, but sometimes I pushed myself to the point of burning out and failing to take care of my immediate needs. In the grand scheme of things, this doesn't help myself, or the people I want to support. The metaphor I try to keep in mind is that of the airplane safety guideline: in the event of an emergency, passengers are directed to put on their own oxygen masks first before helping children. If I try to help someone put on their mask before putting on my own, I might fail and pass out on top of them, which makes it more likely that both of us will die. When I set personal boundaries that limit how much time and energy I want to volunteer towards a certain cause, I am significantly less likely to burn out.
I have also been in positions when an acquaintance asks me a question, and I feel obligated to give the factual answer instead of declining to respond, or responding curtly. Sometimes I provide more information than needed for the situation. For example, if someone asks me what happened after I missed a day of class, I may mention that I went to the hospital, even though I do not need to talk about my experience at all. If someone asks if I am going to a party and I am not, I often feel the need to justify or explain my decision, lest the person be confused or try to convince me otherwise. But that shouldn’t be the case. There are plenty of situations in which a simple "No," or "It's personal," will suffice. It’s okay to say, “Sorry, I’m not comfortable talking about this subject right now.”
Actually, try not to say “Sorry.” Try not to say “right now.” You should not have to apologize for withholding your personal information from other people who do not hold as big of a stake in your life as you do. You don’t have to promise someone that they will be entitled to your information at a later point in time either.
Upon doing some more reflection, I've organized a couple of tips that came in handy for those who struggle with lax boundaries:
- You do not owe anyone your time, energy, or money for a favor or to be polite. This may sound selfish, but if you’re first and foremost struggling to set boundaries, you need to recognize that you should take care of yourself. Your time, energy, and money are things that are precious to you.
- You are not obligated to respond to a message or continue a virtual conversation you have not scheduled time for. With social media and email, we are more connected than ever, and that makes it much easier to contact each other. However, spending time on these sites can also become a time sink, that may distract you from other responsibilities in your life you need to handle first. Unless it is an emergency, do your dishes first, and respond later. Let your friends know that you being "Active" on Facebook Messenger does not mean you are available to chat, and it might mean instead that you opened Facebook to double-check the location for the event you will attend in 2 minutes.
- If you find yourself frustrated or upset with your circumstances, revisit the topic of boundaries when determining the root cause of your dissatisfaction. Are you cleaning up after your roommate? Are your parents unhappy because you didn't do a chore that they've been subtly hinting at? Are you juggling too many responsibilities at once? Did your boss ask you to come in to work on a Saturday even after you communicated you had plans 2 months in advance? See if you can identify ways to address the problem, and establish some personal consequences for moments when your boundaries are crossed.
- When setting a boundary, be firm but gentle about it. Do not apologize or stand down for having a boundary. It is easy to feel anxious or guilty, and apologize out of habit. It’s not your fault, though, so there’s no need!
- You do not owe people an explanation for your boundary. It is your business, not theirs. If a friend asks you whether you receive financial aid, or if you’re in a relationship at the moment, you may totally respond, “Sorry, that’s personal and I’d prefer not to share,” or “I’d rather not discuss that topic. I hope you understand.” It is okay to withhold information from people if it makes you the slightest bit uncomfortable.
- Similarly, a person’s reaction to you establishing a boundary is not your responsibility. It doesn't matter if they are a coworker, a friend, a cousin. Their response, whether it is dismay or complete and patient understanding, belongs to them and reflects on their own character. Not yours. You are not responsible for someone else’s happiness in life. You can be a part of their life, but they must decide how to live it, with or without your presence.
Sources:
[1] Positive Psychology Program - Healthy Boundaries: The Why and How of Setting Them.
[2] The Muse - 3 Crucial Ways to Set Boundaries at Work.
[3] Celestine Chua, Personal Excellence - How to Say No.
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