#MeToo: The smallest stuff

When I was 12, my parents let me take the school bus home from middle school every day. We collectively decided that I was old enough and it was safe enough. We lived in an excellent neighborhood.

As I headed home, I heard 2 high-school boys start shuffle-walking behind me at a distance of around 10 feet away. I heard one whisper something and the other said, "I don’t do Asians."

I knew they were talking about me.

I walked faster, trying to put some distance between me and them, to avoid their line of sight. I veered right, fumbled with my keys, slipping through and shutting the front door behind me, locking it and hoping they didn’t see where I lived. I eventually brushed it off since they sounded so casual, and I never mentioned the situation to anyone.

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When I was 14, I accidentally forgot to log out of my Facebook account while I was studying at my high school’s library. It was a quaint prestigious private high school, by the way. The next morning, I woke up and saw that someone had posted a status from my account. It said, "I eat penis for breakfast."

I was mortified. I deleted it right away.

My profile picture at the time was a selfie I took, wearing pigtails and a cute sweater, which just screams, "I’m an Asian girl and should be sexualized," I guess. I was dealing with self-esteem issues and I felt happy with my appearance in that photo, but that comment demolished any progress I had, and made me feel like I was asking for it. I was so embarrassed that I didn't tell anyone and almost forgot about the incident for 8 years.

I wasn’t brave enough to say anything about it then, or make a school announcement, which students were typically encouraged to do between 2nd and 3rd period. But I am now. And that’s fucked up. This person who was in or above my grade could have logged me out courteously. They could have sent me a friendly email, knowing I was new to the school. Instead, they thought it was funny to make me uncomfortable. They took the time out of their day to do it, knowing they wouldn’t be caught.

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I know what you’re thinking. This is the smallest stuff. These stories don’t even deserve a #MeToo hashtag. Nobody touched you, and you were therefore, not sexually assaulted.

I agree! I almost forgot these things happened to me. This is not a story about children being molested, about girls pressured to have unwilling sex to prove they love their partners, about women being followed in cars, about women pushing men off of them and running away 5 consecutive times, or about husbands taking their wives’ credit (by the way, I do know mentors, friends, and role models whom these things have happened to).

First off, this is not the most aggressive stuff that has happened to me. But in choosing to share the smallest stuff, I hope to make a couple points.

• Sexual objectification is a normal thing that shamed me into silence multiple times. I was ashamed, even though I did nothing wrong.
• As with many things, the root cause of objectification and manipulation is the problem.
• Before I turned 15, I learned that I could not feel safe in quiet suburbs and private schools.

Kids don’t do these things in a vacuum. They learn. They take after their other mentors, friends, and role models in our society. If you are a father to a daughter and you crack the occasional rape joke, you are, in some way, contributing to a culture that will one day make her feel unsafe, too.

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With #MeToo and an awakened conscience about sexual harassment, how do we move forward and change the culture around us? I'm not a celebrity, and this isn't a glamorous exposé. The topic of feminism is so broad, confusing, and intersectional. What does it even mean to "empower women?"

In my immediate settings, I'd like to think that means allowing women to speak without being interrupted, changing gendered expectations in the domestic sphere, ensuring women are paid fairly for their labor, protecting women when it's dark and unsafe out, stopping workplace harassment, and teaching women that their value is not based on their beauty or appearance. And I consider that it also means educating women instead of expecting them to fetch water for their families, fighting sex trafficking and prostitution, protecting trans women from disproportionate rates of domestic abuse, and more.

But I'm going to be selfish for a bit and bring the conversation back to me. The purpose of making this post is to share two small stories I had nearly forgotten about. For me, remembering those events taught me how I became quiet and fearful as a kid growing up, and prompts me to defy that expectation in the present. I'm greatly encouraged by all the awesome men in my life who exercise healthy boundaries, let me speak up when I'm not heard, use their leadership positions to talk about feminist issues, walk their friends home, correct their friends for using gendered insults, and ditch people in their life who think that "getting girls" means you "got game." In addition to the female survivors, I'm proud of the male sexual assault victims for speaking out publicly with allegations. I'm so proud of the women who support healthy friendships, the ones who are fearless and compassionate leaders. I'm motivated by the parents who actively educate their children to be unashamed and seek help when faced with sexual harassment. I'm inspired by everyone who is humble enough to listen and brave enough to take action. To all of you, keep it up!

The responsibility is on all of us to help everyone feel safe, to support sexual assault victims, and to challenge stigmas that exist.